Do Housewives have any Right to feel Depressed? - The Housewife Syndrome (PODCAST Transcript)

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Masyado bang maalat ung ice cream?  Mataas ba ang binaba ng bill mo?  May bumaba ba sa taas?  These are questions that don’t seem to make sense but they do.  I promise you they do.  There’s also one question that some homemakers confront but cannot answer, and that is, “sa bahay ka lang pero bakit malungkot ka pa rin?”  Hi, I’m Anne, a housewife and a homemaker, welcome to Work is Home podcast and today’s episode is about what’s been technically termed “Housewife Syndrome” wherein stay-at-home homemakers often go through and may not be aware of – whether you’re a houseband or a housewife.  We’ll also find out ways it affects us, and ways on dealing with this syndrome.

Let’s start.

What is Housewife Syndrome

I actually don’t like to call it housewife syndrome because it can definitely affect everyone regardless of gender, not just the female, not just the housewives.  It affects homemakers regardless of gender, but let’s understand this… the era when this term was coined or the syndrome was given a name, definitely explains why it’s called that.

Imagine this setting, US in the 50s and 60s when wives were expected to stay at home, wait on the husband, make sure that the house is clean, food is cooked perfectly, wife know how to bake cookies, and take care of the kids.  During this time, a feminist writer by the name of Betty Friedan wrote a book called “Feminine Mystique” which sparked conversations about an unnamed problem housewives were experiencing.  And literally says it in her book – “the problem that has no name”.  I haven’t read this book, not yet, and I’ve only read articles online about it.  I’m also not here to talk about the feminist movement, I’m here to talk about what homemakers feel and think regardless of gender and help spread awareness that there is such a thing as the housewife, or what I’d like to call, the homemaker’s syndrome – because in this era, men can also be stay-at-home husbands. 

One way she gathered information for her book was during her 15^th college reunion in 1957, she conducted a survey among her college graduate batchmates (women) and asked them about their education, experiences, if they were satisfied with their lives, etc.  Then that’s when she discovered similarities in the answers she got.  Some women would say they feel incomplete, or feel that they don’t exist – imagine, feeling that you don’t exist!  A lot say that they were feeling tired, or constantly irritated and get angry really quickly – and in extreme, feel like crying but they don’t know why.  The book was then published in 1963, around 6 years after that reunion.  The book became a best-seller and, like what I said, sparked conversations around the “unnamed problem” until doctors started calling it the “housewife syndrome”.

I sound so shocked.  I am.  I am soooo shocked especially when I was researching this for this episode because that’s the very reason why I started this podcast.  I felt all those things.  I’ve literally cried for no reason!  I’ve literally felt so alone even though I had a very supportive husband who loves me and takes care of me and has been with me everyday for the past almost 12 years that we’ve been married.  I’ve felt so tired and uninspired to get up even though I had so much to do in the house and for the micro business that I had.  I still am shocked just going through all this research again and finding out that I’m not alone in this.

You are not alone  

Now that’s my goal in doing this, or in sharing this.  To let you know that you are not alone in this.  Other people, and even women from as long ago as the 50s and 60s felt the same thing, thought the same things as we are feeling and thinking them now.

What’s worst is we feel like we can’t tell anyone because we fear being judged.  At least that’s how I felt.  Why?  Well, after all, we ought to be the “Happiest Person on the Planet”!  By all logic and reason, we aren’t stressed with corporate jobs, with co-workers and office politics.  We are not haunted by mistakes we did in the office, or work problems.  We probably have someone providing for our financial needs.  We should be the happiest group of people in the planet, right?  All we need to do is clean, prepare food, provide support emotionally or mentally, make sure bills are paid, documents and government filings are properly taken cared of, kids are alive, healthy, happy.  Easy?  Right?  Other than those things and many others I have not time to list down, we should be content – happy, right?  So why then do we feel incomplete, that we don’t exist, that there’s something missing, that we’re sometimes being overwhelmed with sadness, and even sudden feelings of anxiety or feeling nervous about something that we can’t quite figure.  We can’t tell people that!  They’ll just think we’re ungrateful brats that shouldn’t want for anything else but we do.

I told you I have a very supportive husband, right?  He’s the only person I’ve spoken about this to, and opening about my feelings and my thoughts wasn’t easy.  You see, on the outside, I look like a very well put together kind of person.  Educated, fun, sociable, lots of friends, intellectually busy, thinking about things, enjoying taking care of my parents and my husband – really strong and just overall happy.  That’s how I appear to be.  Becoming a housewife wasn’t also forced upon me, it was a decision my husband and I both agreed on, because at that time almost a decade ago, I was having a really stressful time at work.  So I really didn’t have any excuse for not feeling satisfied because it was also my decision to stay at home.  I was also unsure how to explain it even if I wanted to tell him.  I didn’t know what I was feeling.  I felt ashamed on top of everything else that I was feeling.  I felt weak and I didn’t want to appear weak, ever.  But I had enough of whatever it was.  I almost exploded with sadness one day and just cried.  That was when I had a heart-to-heart talk with him about everything I’ve been feeling and I tried to be as open as I can, and as raw and unfiltered as I can.  I think he got it, but I’m not sure he really understood how heavy all of it was really weighing on me.  Or maybe that’s just me.  I can’t go and ask him, “Do you really understand how serious this is?  It’s a big deal to me, is it to you?”  I can’t.  Because the normal response would be, “what do you want me to do?”  And I don’t have any answer to that either.

Have you ever felt that way?  You know what’s crazy about this is?  I created this podcast and decided this topic to be episode 1 because I’m still feeling it and want to document how I’m feeling right now, what I’m thinking and how I’m dealing with it.  I’m hoping someone listens to this and be comforted in the thought that they aren’t alone.  You are not alone.  But that’s not even my purpose.  My purpose is a little more selfish than that.  If I help someone in the process, I’m happy, but I really just want to have this release of feelings and thoughts.  I feel good whenever I talk about it, I acknowledge it, and feel empowered when I catch it when it happens and I combat it by doing something productive, like an episode 1 podcast

What do we do now?

Which gets us to the next part of this topic which is “What now?”  Now we know what it’s called, we know that other stay-at-home homemakers are feeling the same way, what now?  How do we deal with this?

Before we go to this part of this episode, I’d just like to remind you I’m not a doctor of any kind.  And all the other disclaimers that come with that.  And that said, I’ve come across a 1964 Medical Journal titled “Housewife’s Disease” – a modern psychosomatic syndrome.  In this research, it’s very interesting, they called it a “definite clinical condition” and also said that it can be called a “psychosomatic syndrome”.  And according to google, Psychosomatic means that it’s a condition or illness that is “caused or aggravated by a mental factor such as internal conflict or stress.” Or can also mean “relating to the interaction of mind and body”.  If we go with the 1^st definition, it means that it’s self-inflicted, or it’s a problem that’s within ourselves.  Let’s take note of that for later.  If we go with the 2^nd definition, interaction of mind and body, that means that conflict or condition is capable of manifesting physical symptoms – perhaps high blood pressure, back pain, breakouts, fatigue, etc. We’re learning a lot here.  I’m learning a lot researching for this topic.  

STAGES OF HOUSEWIFE SYNDROME

That article goes on to say that this clinical condition, the housewife’s syndrome, has 3 stages.  Stage 1 is usually after birth of the 1^st child we stop from being able to work to now staying at home to take care of the baby and the husband when he gets home.  Of course it can be boring because we need to stay at home with the child, not being able to freely socialize.  And the article notes that we might feel “claustrophobic with boredom and frustration”.  That’s stage 1.

Stage 2 is when we’ve had several children, and now we feel REALLY trapped.  And Stage 3, near menopause stage, we become more stressed out and feel that the family no longer needs us as much as they did (like the children becoming adults, leaving home, etc).  Sounds like things get worse and worse if we just let the syndrome simmer and boil throughout the years.

We’ve now come to the part of the treatment…  All we’re discussing right now is just all according to this article on a medical journal published in 1964.

But before that I also want to highlight this and quote this statement in the article word for word, because this part is very important.  It says here:

“She may or may not see and understand her own problem or fail to find a solution in either case.”

That’s what’s very tricky about this condition is we don’t understand what’s making us feel the way we do!  And maybe even worse, we don’t know there’s something bothering us.  Isn’t that weird?  It’s like a cockroach crawling somewhere on your shirt and you’re not aware it’s there until it creeps into your face and by then it’s a little too overwhelming.  I’m scared of cockroaches by the way, so that analogy I just used creeps me out.  Has my hair standing everywhere.

ADDRESSING HOUSEWIFE SYNDROME

So if you’re lucky enough to be self-aware and if you think you have this psychosomatic condition, you can consider these things as suggested treatments from this article:

1. Find a Confidant

Find someone, like a doctor, a confidant, to talk to about all of your feelings and complaints.  It has to be someone who will listen to you sympathetically.

Having someone to talk to makes a big difference.  That time I was able to share what I’m feeling and thinking to my husband when I was having an episode really helped me become more open whenever I felt the overwhelming sadness again.  It’s become easier to talk about it, and at this time he’d know the different between playfully seeking attention, from seriously feeling alone and needing support.

2. Take care of your body

Of course have the psychical symptoms checked out, like if you’re experiencing back or neck pains, or anxiety attacks, etc.

I am a little unconvinced of this one because if the stress, or the “syndrome” is the one causing the physical symptoms then wouldn’t they persist if the mental and emotional aspects aren’t taken cared of?  But at the same time, those physical aches and pains can also add to that sense of frustration, that sense of being unwanted, or alone, then in that case, I understand how this becomes important to address as well.  Maybe it’s like the chicken and the egg thing, so taking care of your mental health would take care of your body and taking care of your body would also help with your mental health.  Addressing them simultaneously, if possible, would be best.

3. Occupational therapy  

Find something to do, whether it’s working to be gainfully employed or for charity, starting a business, have a sari-sari store.  Just having that constructive outlet for all that mental activity, and a way to be physically and mentally exercised can help you feel that you’re an integrated member of society again.  Again, makes you feel that you are, even though not doing it doesn’t mean that you are not.  It’s just that it’s difficult to feel that you’re part of a community if you don’t do anything with the community. 

In my case, I have volunteered before the pandemic to a church group, I’ve started (and failed) several businesses that opened me to meeting new friends whom I’ve stayed friends with throughout these years, and now this podcast.  None of my activities, I have to say, really contributed a dent financially, but they’ve really helped me cope with staying at home.

4. Other ways  

I would also like to add to the possible ways to cope with this syndrome, exercise, yoga, prayer and meditation.  I’ve yet to do all these things myself.  Of course, I pray, but what I’m talking about is really dedicating time to those activities, like an hour of just being quiet, being still, or 1 hour of prayerful silence, 1 hour of exercise, or 1 hour of yoga.  I don’t do those regularly, but I would imagine that any of those activities would greatly help.

Now, if you’re not convinced those treatments would help you, then consider this, another article published in 1967 on Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics journal by T.Kraft from St. Clement’s Hospital in London.  In their medical research, 3 out of 5 patients who were treated with “thiopentone sleep treatment” which involves injection of a thiopentone solution.  I have no idea what that is but apparently it’s a short-acting depressant – like a type of anesthetic.  But I also have to highlight that article says that “complete recovery” is rare but the patients were able to resume “relatively normal life.”  This is a 1967 published article in a medical journal, and I don’t know if they’re still doing this now.

Knowing is Half the Battle

All in all I think that knowing is 60% of the solution already.  Just knowing that this is a thing.  That it’s not just hormones.  What you’re feeling is valid, it’s real, it’s a clinical condition that has been studied back in the 60s and who knows until now.  Don’t be afraid, don’t be ashamed to acknowledge it.  Homemakers who stay at home and aren’t gainfully employed or actively busy with running a company, if you feel sad, if you feel lonely, if you feel unsatisfied, and if you feel guilty for not being able to contribute financially or just staying at home, let’s talk about it.  Or find someone you can talk about it with.  It’s a valid emotion, I feel it too.  I’m not saying I FELT it…  Oh no, it’s not the past, it comes and it goes in my case, and I FEEL it too.  I’m thinking those things too.  You are not alone.  And even coming out of this hole is tricky.  I can’t do it alone, I need my husband’s help.  I need someone’s help.  It’s tricky to do it alone, and maybe even impossible.  Reach out to some... Reach out.  Don’t be afraid.

If you’re fortunate to have access to medical or clinical help, reach out to a psychiatrist and book an appointment.  If not, try non-profit organizations like the mentalhealthph.org and other organizations online that can help you put one step in front of another, and then next and just move forward slowly and surely.

Homemakers are an amazing breed of people.  We are so busy throughout the day, but when we’re confronted with the question – what have you been doing the whole day, you just stayed at home – that can be the most difficult question to answer because part of the things we do at home are services rendered because of our love for the people we share our home with and we can’t bring ourselves to literally enumerate the things we’ve done in their faces.  Hindi tayo mapagbiliang na tao.

I’ll refer to the medical journal article on the syndrome treatments, and I wish I can show this to the podcast listeners but I’ll be quoting it again word for word and I’ll have the screenshot of this in our blog workishomeph.blogspot.com:

“the complex problems of constant readjustment and adaptation to the frequently changing stages and circumstances which face women today, for certainly not all have the insight, opportunity nor resilience to achieve all this alone.

Finally, it may be said that by comparison the male role of mere breadwinning may well be a relatively simple one.”

Yep, we’re doing great things and it’s time we acknowledge that, and time the whole of society acknowledges that.  You are amazing!  Imagine your house without you taking care of it, it wouldn’t be a home.

While our hardworking providers work from home during this pandemic, all of us homemakers have already started working from home before everyone else followed.  We’re working hard because our Work is Home.  And just as “mataas ba ang binaba ng bill mo?” makes sense, “tara, uwi na tayo sa bahay para makapagtrabaho na ako” also makes sense.  

Have you had the same experience?  Felt the same way?  How are you coping?  Share in the comments below or send me a message.  I'd love to hear about it.

Homemakers, have a great homemaking day!  You are loved all day everyday!  Remember, Homemaking is Lovemaking!